My son and I are the only ones awake right now. It’s Sunday morning, he’s learning how to crawl and I would pop in some Velvet Underground if I could only find some right now. I have to settle for this Ted Leo disc which in fact does remind me a bit of my first album – I see where the comparisons came from now. I wonder if anyone will mention his name to me again after the next record comes out – probably not. Speaking of which, I just listened to some pseudo-final mixes hot from Headquarters a little while ago and I am officially pleased. There were delays with getting started on mixing due to some faulty speakers (“why is there so much bass?!”) but things are well underway now.
A couple years ago around this time, I woke up with a really intense pain in my lower back (which turned out to be abdominal rather than kidney pains) and vomiting. Mmm… Norwalk Virus. This morning I woke up with nausea and pain in my lower back – that’s why I’m awake before everyone else; I panicked! I don’t think I’m sick again but it did worry me. After something like that happens, you always feel fear at the first tinge of pain in certain spots. It’s probably stress or anxiety-related. My anxiety problems have been at bay for a long time but I can tell by the way that my heart is doing backflips this morning that they’ve come back for an unwelcome visit. The difference is that this time I’m a Dad now – level-headed and ready for challenges. Still, it’s hard to laugh at a racing heart.
As you may have gathered from the last update, my Dad died. I was with him the day before he died, taking him to chemotherapy and keeping his ears warm with my hands. He seemed okay – he wasn’t any worse than the week before for the first time since he was diagnosed. This round of treatment was coming to an end and it looked like he’d have enough time to recover from them to have another Christmas with us. However, the morning after I left he woke up in intense pain. He told his caretaker that he was dying and was rushed to the ER. The ER took some obligatory X-Rays, gave him some pain medication and sent him home. He died a few hours later.
I spoke at his funeral, accepted as much closure as I could and came back home to let the grieving run its course. However, I’ve had dreams about Dad’s funeral almost every night since then – dreams that I’m late, I’m not going to make it. I feel fine but my subconscious apparently isn’t taking it so well. This will be the first Christmas without Dad.
There was a point in there somewhere about also being sort of… I don’t know, let down? I really wanted him to hear the new record; it was important to me. It’s the first thing I’ve done that I was pretty sure my Dad would 100% dig. I guess I needed that pat on the back; he’s probably the only person I really needed it from. In the end, I made myself happy with the record and I should be pleased with that. One tries, you know? But you never fully understand it until the parent you’ve been trying so hard to impress all these years is gone. Maybe that’s what the anxiety dreams are about.
That’s just how life goes though. I’m not going to get bogged down in thinking about it. In the other column, my wife and I finally had a wedding ceremony once things calmed down (before Dad died) last month and it was a lot of fun. Baby Paul wore a tux and was generally the life of the party. My cooking skills are ever-improving and I’d say it’s a genuine hobby now alongside my gardening. And don’t forget about the record. We’re having a living legend master it once Jimmy Ether is finished mixing it – I will say no more about THAT until it’s a done deal. I’d say that the record will be out by April – and that’s a very liberal estimate. It could be out in February or March, but don’t get your hopes up for that. This release is going to be done right or not at all. We’ve tried very hard to make the whole thing generally beautiful for you to look at, listen to and hold and we’re not going to half-ass anything. Same goes for live performances, which will eventually resume as we gear up for the release. In the meantime, I may actually remove the tonsils that have been infected for the past seven years. I’m getting tired of them and what they do to my singing. There’s always a small chance with a tonsillectomy that one’s singing voice will be forever ruined, but I think I’d rather take that chance than never get it done. I’m always sick, always straining against scar tissue in my throat and I’m tired of it. If I can never sing again, I’ll simply focus more on the three instruments I already love playing. I’m also planning on getting decent at piano over the next year anyway.
Also, the four-track days are coming to a close soon. After 11 years, I’m finally upgrading to more tracks and bigger technology: a mac and protools. Nothing replaces tape, but I’m excited about my home demos not sounding like they were recorded on a wax cylinder anymore. Plus, a recent recording project (another World Party tribute CD is coming out and I submitted two tracks with help from fellow Superhype alum Eric Stroud) very nearly caused me to lose my mind and start smashing things when it took me 10 hours to do 45 minutes’ worth of work. It was so mentally exhausting that I finally did something I’ve been worried about doing for these 11 years – I erased an hour’s worth of backing vocals by putting a guitar solo over them. No, I didn’t redo the backing vocals – I grabbed a beer and contemplated becoming an alcoholic for the rest of the day, then thought better of it and started the long, arduous mixing process on my current “system” which I won’t go into. I shall however describe it as driving to a place you’ve never been before – without being able to see. It’s about that much fun, too. As you can see, I’m ready to upgrade the home studio in a big way.
Well now everyone’s awake (my friend Steven spent the night in the spare room and my wife woke up and is tidying some of my messes) and the house’s demeanor has changed considerably since popping Wilco’s “Summerteeth” in the CD player. Paul is banging on his toy piano along with the title track. Maybe all I need is a shot in the arm, eh? I guess my friends and family would be that shot.
Adam
PS. I wonder if “online casino” guy is going to comment on this entry? Ooh, I can’t wait to see.
